In cleaning the basement this weekend I found three boxes of papers, pictures, certificates, trophies, etc. from my high school days. It brought back a lot of happy memories, but one particular piece of paper brought back other memories, a “dark side” to my school days that was seldom discussed — or rather was discussed, but never out in the open.
After years of traveling to the Binghamton area for the Baptist Christian School Association Fine Arts Festival, during my senior year it was going to be held in our area, and was being organized by our school. Yet something came up and it had to be canceled (I think it was weather-related, but memory and the backup I have at hand don’t confirm either way). Apparently I started a petition asking for it to be rescheduled, and several students in my class wrote a letter to me and signed it telling me they thought my petition was rude to the organizer, who had spent a lot of effort organizing it, and would be a lot of effort to reschedule. I found that saved letter, though not my petition.
What this reminded me of, the dark side, was the insider/outsider mentality that took place at TTBHS, my private high school. The high school was supported by 7 churches, and while many of the students came from the churches, there was a sizable minority, myself included, that came from other churches. We often felt that there was certain favoritism and deference given at times to those from the supporting churches, as opposed to those without. Which might seem odd, considering how many honors and awards outsiders got.
What the petition and letter reminded me of was how much that particular festival meant to me at the time. It was finally my time to be first in line to compete. I had been waiting for it to be my senior year, to have no other insiders in front of me to get special preference to be sent for the singing competition — and then as I was finally at the front of the line, my chance was canceled. Yet I was insensitive for asking for things to be rescheduled after I had waited my turn, been held back, on the hope that wasn’t to be.
In hindsight, and in the experience of my life to date, I realize two things about that time: 1) I was probably being self-centered in my outlook at the time, and 2) My problem, even then, was not being more assertive for the things I wanted and was interested in. I’ve always tried to be a fair and impartial person, and what I have usually gotten for it was being ignored or underestimated.
Another story, but not from school, to illustrate my dilemma. Growing up, my parents were good friends with another couple who had a daughter. Whenever we went over to their friends’ house, we played with their daughter, and did what she wanted to do, because we were the guests. Whenever her parents came over to our house, we played with her, and did what she wanted, because she was the guest.
The problem of the insider/outsider mentality is similar — that of accommodation. We are expected to do and go along with what the other side wants, and that is considered fair. This is different than both sides expressing their true wants and negotiating an equitable agreement — it is one side always having an upper hand.
Now I don’t want anyone to take what I said to any extreme. I enjoyed my school days, am proud of my alma mater, and think I had a great schooling that I wouldn’t have exchanged to go elsewhere. But this dynamic was part of it, and has shaped my outlook since that time.
It has taken me a long time to start breaking out of the accommodation mode, and I am still too much prone to accommodation. It has led to several episodes where people have mistakenly tried to walk all over me in my life and found out the hard way that I might bend, but I won’t break.
At The Rainbow 