Together with Christ I Care

Lent, day 11

It was an odd moment. Jasini went to the dentist’s office for the first time in over 2 years: we finally had insurance to cover it. They tested her BLOOD SUGAR in the dentist’s office: 395.

She texted me the results. While she continued her appointment I scrambled and spun trying to find direction. I found and called our insurance nurse line. They helped me locate the urgent care centers we could go to.

I had a moment’s pause in my brain to realize – I could lose Jasini because we had taken too long to find a doctor again. All that time scrambling and reeling from the blow after daily blow that seemed to start with COVID and had knocked us down again and again.

My mind thought of the church we had gone to, gotten employment at, been candid about our dire straits, the place we felt would be a place of shelter to get ourselves together again. And we almost were starting to turn the corner when they pummeled us to the ground, and lost us another six months of scrambling to deal with their attacks, time that now might mean I lose my greater half and have to go on alone, bereft.

“I might find myself truly hating if that happens” was my first thought. I felt the storm begin to build as the case against them, their lack of being “Together with Christ – We Care” was painted in mind with irrefutable clarity.

As I said I felt the storm building, but all that “rage” all the rage I could possibly muster, and more, broke against the shoals of the bedrock compassion beneath my effervescent demeanor, and I felt myself weeping dry tears of sorrow for them. Because I found that “Together with Christ I Care” for them still, and as His heart still sorrows for the pain they have caused but refuse to see, so mine feels sorrier for them than me.

“Father forgive them, for they know not what they do.”

And now, I pause. Once again I am speaking love and compassion. I wonder who will use it to show how vengeful and hateful I am: because so far, it always seems to happen.

(Written while waiting in the emergency room before having seen medical professionals or gotten any diagnosis or treatment.)