Symmetrical vs. Complementary

The old man laid the sword along his lap, and Pippin put his hand to the hilt, and said slowly after Denethor:
‘Here do I swear fealty and service to Gondor, and to the Lord and Steward of the realm, to speak and to be silent, to do and to let be, to come and to go, in need or plenty, in peace or war, in living or dying, from this hour henceforth, until my lord release me, or death take me, or the world end. So say I, Peregrin son of Paladin of the Shire of the Halflings.’
And this do I hear, Denethor son of Ecthelion, Lord of Gondor, Steward of the High King, and I will not forget it, nor fail to reward that which is given: fealty with love, valour with honour, oath-breaking with vengeance.’ Then Pippin received back his sword and put it in its sheath.

— From The Return of the King, by J.R.R. Tolkien

I have been having trouble remembering a pair of terms I was looking for, until I read the chapter on “The Interactional View” of communication in my communication text-book. I’m still not certain that Symmetrical and Complementary were the terms I am after, but they will do.

Symmetrical was definitely one of the terms. Cousins are symmetrical, Siblings are symmetrical, Parent-child is not symmetrical, Husband-wife is not symmetrical.  The term complementary will work — if someone can think of a more appropriate term, please let me know.

The root of the idea is that some relationships are meant to have a basis of equality, and some are not. In  my blog on Love is Equality I made the point that the promoters of that cause were trying to insert equality in an arena where equality was not wanted, and might possibly even be harmful. One loses the blessing and gloriousness of certain relationships when one places equality ahead of more important issues, like justice and freedom.

I heard a preacher recently talk about his denomination having equality in the wedding vows: if one party promises to obey, the other party promises to obey, for example. It made me realize there is a very poor understanding of what it means to be married if you are trying to enforce that sort of equality on it. Marriages aren’t symmetrical, they are complementary.

That is the reason I put the quote from The Return of the King at the top of this post. Notice what Denethor says back to Pippin, he will reward what is given: fealty with love, valour with honour, oath-breaking with vengeance. Complementary relationships. Trying to make the relationship symmetrical would empty it of its true strength, and its whole reason for existing. Each side would lose the benefit for which the relationship was established.

I haven’t followed my thoughts forward into this next point, but I wonder if my musings about different types of rights might have this same root of symmetrical vs. complementary about it. The constitutional rights are complementary, while the others are symmetrical. I feel an intuitive connection somewhere, just not quite sure it is as straightforward as that last sentence made it sound.