Last Father’s Day I wrote of depression. This Father’s Day I write of anger. It has taken awhile for me to realize the source of last year’s depression was gaslighting — my inner truth couldn’t accept the truth I was being asked to believe. Pravda in action.
I have been struggling with that gaslighting, freeing myself from its effects, for the past 12 months, and it isn’t over. But today I concentrate on a part of that gaslighting that did not affect just me, but my daughter.
This father’s day I am an angry father. I am angry at the tricks that people have played on my daughter, and how they have twisted my efforts to make her be all she is capable of into something that has made her afraid of me, when what she is afraid of are my efforts to protect her and make her live up to her potential.
For my daughter has been sold a nasty lie. Many voices have chimed in and added to it to make this lie seem believable. Because of it she has been sold a bill of “I’m entitled” that means she will never function with the rights of an adult. She has surrendered her independence. She will never be able to live on her own, they have said, never able to have her own housing. She has the skills for doing the things but not the organization and discipline to keep on them and do them when they need to be done.
This is said as if everybody out there does everything to keep themselves. But most of us don’t –come on let’s be real. Sure you are adult but that doesn’t mean you must live independently all by yourself; I mean you independently choose of your own volition what others to group with to join to make your adult life and then you have the right to change those people in the balance of social mores. Get roommates and one of the other is better with this or that and together they help keep the whole group functional or dysfunctional.
But to indicate that is to give up those decisions about who she will freely associate with and trust, in other words, to give up the decision power in who she would live, with where she will live, how she will work — this is not something that you should have to do. She has the power and the capability to make those decisions and her decision may be to let others make the final decisions on certain of those points but with her having the right to change it when she chooses and to take the consequences thereof. There’s nothing wrong with her cognitive or social powers to be able to do this.
That she had been sold this lie makes me angry. I have been intolerant of this lie, and belligerent when it has been practiced and espoused in my presence. I do not let my daughter be lazy and give up her freedom. She says I think she is stupid, but the opposite is true. She has been given great gifts and I will not be satisfied until she believes in her own gifts, freedom and independence as much as I do. She is not entitled to anything. She is capable of taking the world on on her own and winning hands down. I will do all I can to protect that option and freedom for her.