Oh sleeper awake, step out of the night, throw open the door and step into the lightCome and See – Jon Mohr, David Huntsinger, Bonnie Huntsinger
I have been wandering in a “I know not what” haze of unreality for I know not how long. Looking back it is hard to say when it actually began, just like it is hard to say where a fog begins and where it ends, though one can sometimes be certain when one is in the midst of it. I have used the phrase “I think we just went through the looking glass again” more times in the past 5 years than I expected to in a whole lifetime, so I am guessing that this haze has been affecting me/us for at least that long, some time well before Covid, though Covid response certainly amplified the refractive capacity of the looking glass.
It is hard to say what you mean when somebody acts like Humpty Dumpty with your words and pays them to mean what they want them to mean, no matter what they originally meant when you contemplated saying them. Your expressions of hope to someone about getting to sit down with someone else you have been at odds with in the presence of a mediator, to really make progress toward understanding, suddenly becomes an expression of stubborn and total intransigence on your part (you had expressed concerns about expressions from the person you are odds with that indicated no change of mind would ever happen) and thus the people whose job was to make sure that mediation occurred, call the whole thing off because of your intransigence, not hers.
Or your expressions of compassion towards a person who has seriously wronged you, who got you fired from your only job and source of income (part-time at that), who slandered and libeled you and mis-used their professional credentials to get you black-balled out of several social and religious organizations and associations (you expressed concern to someone else for her pain, that a probing question you had asked of her because of her her obvious attempts to malign you, led to her most outrageous action, and thus indicated that you had, without quite knowing which thing it was, had obviously struct a sensitive target, and indicated a human being in pain who needed help), is actually hatred and the just cause of all the hateful diatribe against you.
We all know what it is like to be a person in a dream, interacting with the dream world, and then suddenly brought to the waking world, but still disoriented because part of us is in the dream world yet. Well, I feel like an awake person, fully conscious of the waking world, yet walking amongst people who are in the dream, and only aware of the dream, and thus only respond to the illogic of the dream. Nothing said with waking logic can affect them, every attempt to do something or strike the sensible course only gets the illogical response of the dream world, until one no longer tries to take any sensible actions, since they only get nonsensical and often disastrous responses. It is safer to be acted upon than to act.
It becomes hard to write, to blog. I have become uncertain about how anything said will be taken, and adverse to anything but inaction. Yet inaction is adverse to my nature. I seek the something to break this unique writer’s block affliction.