Actually it makes me a little queasy

Dearly beloved, avenge not yourselves, but rather give place unto wrath: for it is written, Vengeance is mine; I will repay, saith the Lord.

Romans 12:19 KJV

(*Note: This is the annual “Christmas Letter” blog post. Since I managed to skip this post last year, the post covers more of a two year period.)

To some, the passage above is a rather comforting thought. They don’t have to worry about vengeance against those who have done them wrong. God will give them what is coming to them. They can sit back, do nothing, and watch with satisfaction as the others suffer.

Perhaps that is what is wrong with me. Perhaps I should just sit back and wait and enjoy the suffering. But that isn’t how I feel, Actually, that passage makes me a little queasy. I find it abhorrent to wait to watch and enjoy the suffering of others. I need some practice at that art.

No, I find it abhorrent. I don’t find anger and vengeance in my heart. Anger often, yes, but that people would choose to risk facing the vengeance of God, rather than experience his grace and mercy. I find an urgency and pleading in my heart to bind the bonds that are broken, to let nothing prevent an effort to seek understanding, forgiveness and reconciliation.

So now is when it begins. Someone is going to see what I wrote, and start talking about how hateful and vengeful I am. Whenever I talk about love and compassion these days, it becomes a proof to many that I am full of evil, anger, vengeance, hate. But certainly since the days of Covid, if not before, I find that I have been living through the lookingglass.

¹¹ Blessed are ye, when men shall revile you, and persecute you, and shall say all manner of evil against you falsely, for my sake.

¹² Rejoice, and be exceeding glad: for great is your reward in heaven: for so persecuted they the prophets which were before you.

Matthew 5 KJV

This wouldn’t be so bad, except those who do this are of the body of Christ, and this grieves me deeply. I can’t see how this is for Christ’s sake, that His body would let its immune system war against His own body. We have diseases like these, and they aren’t things to rejoice about, HIV and AIDS (among the many such warfares of our bodies against themselves) are not things you want to have.

And yet that is where I have been for many of the past 50 years of my life. Of the 5 churches I have been involved in, 4 out of the 5 I have been either expelled from, or shunned out of (2 expelled, 2 shunned).

Such is the case of the current Church, Gloria Dei Lutheran Church of Kansas City, MO, where I have been for just over a year, and already reached the shunning stage. This is a rather fast acceleration of the tempo. Shunning in this case isn’t a whole church thing, usually most of the church has no clue what the shunning part is doing, but the shunning part is rather effective in its effects on us.

My wife and I were hurting rather terribly when we reached refuge at Gloria Dei, we were certainly religious refugees after being ejected from Avondale United Methodist Church through the intimidation campaign of Suzy Conaway. Suzy’s husband Bill had involuntarily detained my wife in our own home on the same day that I had been physically assaulted in my own driveway. Jasini (my wife) was supposed to be meeting me at the police station where we were to file a report on the assault, since the officers dispatched to the scene had decided to only interview the assailant, and refused to speak to her (I was in the house trying to treat my injuries and didn’t know they had arrived until they had already gone). Bill was there at my request to give me aid and comfort. His comfort was to tell me that my assailant was a nice guy, and I should treat him better. After I left for the police station he blocked Jasini’s effort to leave and follow me, trying to convince her that we were wrong to seek police action against my assailant. If Jasini hadn’t been able to finally evade Bill, she would have had to knock down a senior citizen (Bill), to be allowed to leave her own house. While she never doubted her ability to do this, she found the idea of being forced to take such an action quite distasteful.

When I found out what had happened to my wife, in my own house, I expressed my displeasure in an e-mail to some church members, where I said someone who did this to another man’s wife deserved to have his block knocked off. The pastor expressed no sympathy for the indignity forced upon my wife, but threatened to call the police on me for violence. Suzy sent me an e-mail telling me not to come to church again because “people are afraid of you.” She then set about to make this true.

For nine months I kept telling people I did not feel safe coming to church because of this, and when I finally did come to church, Suzy assaulted me during the service. I stood up and asked for help. Everyone ignored me, until Judy Everly, minister of pastoral visitation, said she would help me. In a conference after service, including Judy Everly, Judy Jensen, Elizabeth Boman and the Reverend Michael Dunlap, they all agreed to help me, and to provide me with an Advocate to help with another issue we were dealing with.

This lead to a letter sent to us by Reverend Dunlap where he made up lies about me admitting to several maleficences and requiring me to seek mental health counselling and provide them with written proof of the same, before they would let me on the church property.

During this nine-month period, I brought up what had happened to Jasini several times, and every time it was brought up people never responded; they all acted as if they had never heard me, or Jasini, if she was the one saying it, speak it. They ignored it into non-occurrence. They made Jasini invisible.

The week after they kicked me out of the church via intimidation, lies, deceit and coercion, I got into an automobile accident that had me intubated in the ICU for several days. Even though Jasini was not supposedly affected by my banishment, not one person from the church called to help her, provide, food, or even find out how she was doing. Only one person, Violet Cogswell, who I had contacted after the expulsion but before the accident, and who I had asked to contact Jasini because she needed to know she was not alone, did, and I didn’t even know at this time that Violet was no longer attending Avondale.

Yet when people from Avondale saw Jasini walking our dog in the neighborhood, they would sneak over to her to let her know “I am praying for you”. Jasini wanted to tell them to keep their hypocritical prayers to themselves, but didn’t.

I had lost my last job right at the beginning of Covid. A place where I had described to an HR person how I liked my job this way: “I have never worked with a team of people I have enjoyed more. I find the work intellectually stimulating and physically challenging, as well as socially responsible.” The HR person immediately responded: “We know you are dissatisfied with your job and have serious issues with several of you coworkers.” HR them proceeded through the next 6 months to try and make that so, until they fired me in frustration.

The years of unemployment had been rough, but blessed in many ways. Many blessings came our way and we found ways to reach out to others in need with love and compassion. Some of them received our assistance and rewarded us with, among other things, the assault I previously mentioned. But it was the church’s expulsion that really threw the wrench in my attempts to gain new employment.

So when I was able to obtain the very low paying, but meaningful employment of Tenor Section Leader of the Gloria Dei Lutheran Church Choir, things seemed to be looking up both in the church and employment sectors. I had found the posting, for both Tenor and Alto section leaders, on the Facebook group site Classical Musicians of Kansas City Gig Swap. The ad was just for the advent season, but upon getting my contract documents I saw they were open ended and Jessica Seidler confirmed that if I liked the position and they liked me, it could be an ongoing indefinite term.

My first day on the job was a Sunday, without a prior Wednesday rehearsal, since I was hired on a Thursday. Jasini came with me to church, and decided to join the choir for rehearsal on Wednesday night, which was fine with Jessica. Thus began my term of employment.

The terms of employment said to become involved in the ministries of the church, and as committed church-goers that was no problem for Jasini and Myself. We helped decorate the church for the Advent season and attended Sunday School regularly, as well as attending services whether the choir was singing or not.

After the Advent season and the Christmas Cantata, The choir took a break. During this term I expressed my interest in continuing on, and Jessica assented. At least I showed up at the start of the spring term and continued leading the tenor section. Jasini continued to sing in the alto section. During Wednesdays in Lent they had services using the Holden Evensong. I signed up for and participated as one of the two cantor/leaders for two of those Wednesdays.

Part of the duties of a section leader is to be available for solos twice during the term . I did my solo debut with John W. Peterson’s “Springs of Living Water”. During the Evensong I did Michael Card’s “The Basin and the Towel”

During this term I noticed the ad for Alto section leader appeared three different times on the Gig Swap group posts. It seemed hard to keep someone it the alto section leader position. I mentioned this to Jasini the third time it came up. She said she thought she would apply for the position.

Now, Jasini has always been a decent singer, but I have always been the primo don of the family where singing was concerned. I had tried to get her to join my professional madrigals group almost two decades before and that had bombed because she wasn’t really interested. So when she expressed interest, I backed her, encouraged her, cautioned her, but didn’t push her. Inside, though, I was elated, and after a month of sending in her application with no response, she asked Jessica, who hadn’t caught up on her e-mail yet, and then gave her the job.

Jasini didn’t start her job until the term was almost over, but section leaders could do solos during the summer, and she reprised a solo she had done almost 10 years before at Avondale for her Gloria Dei debut. I had video of the Avondale solo, and comparing it to the Gloria Dei rendition, I was elated by how much her voice had grown, how much stronger and supple her voice was. I was a proud husband.

We each did two solos in the summer, and ended the summer with a duet, Michael Card’s “The Gentle Healer.”

Those were the highlights of our first musical year at Gloria Dei, but not everything was Roses. As people from the Libertarian theological persuasion, we expected to encounter some differing points of view, and were uncertain how most of them would be taken. To our relief, the response was openness and toleration on most things, along with acceptance.

The one specific anomaly was related to Anya Kuhn, There were three different mass shootings in the news in the early months, and each time she talked about “they are shooting our people”, the they apparently a simulacrum in her head that doubtless had something to do with “racist, homophobic, conservative. “They” of course, never existed in the real world, since the culprit each time was one of the same demographic that was the victim of the shooting. But Anya would voice her comment, and look around clandestinely to see if she had made the correct comment, if her virtue signalling signalled the right thing for acceptance and to be “in”. She virtue signalled often, when making her outspoken statements.

It gave Jasini the uncomfortable feeling that if Anya could materialize one of they, that “they” might be one of our family or friends. Instead of an inclusive worldview, Anya was giving the sense of a divisive, exclusive one… and those always seem to exclude us.

When the choir went Christmas Caroling for the church, we ended up in the vehicle with Anya. When she effused during her never-stopping chatter over how great the movie “White Christmas” was, Jasini mentioned that “Holiday Inn” was even better.

Anya’s response was it was a bad movie because it had blackface. Her rejection of one of Jasini’s favorite movies hurt. She was judging a past era by today’s standards, which is unfair and shows a lack of historical perspective. I explained this historical perspective to Anya, and also noted that the blackface was a humorous plot point, and one that actually poked fun at blackface and indicated its inappropriateness. It was very advanced for its time.

Discussion got around to “Baby it’s Cold Outside”, and we pulled up on our phones the original theatrical performance from the movie “Neptune’s Daughter”, and showed that, rather than being a rape piece, it was actually a very affirming song of both men and women, in a time when their roles were more defined than they are now, how each understood their roles and the roles’ strengths, and the song demonstrated a very confident woman dealing with a confident and respectful man. Translating the lyrics, out of context, with today’s male/female dynamic, misses the glorious social ballet the song is about.

From there it digressed to her showing a video of a song with a singer that had a peculiar accent, which Anya made fun of.

Anya could listen, and seemed to understand, when outside of her virtue signaling echo chamber.

The next incident occurred before church service one Sunday after the choir warm-up. I was sitting in my choir chair and she turned around and blasted me with “Do you always have to hum before service?”

“Do you have to always talk all the time?” I replied calmly.

I don’t remember her immediate response, but I toned her offended retort down with a conversation about how we could certainly meet at the middle and come to a better understanding of each other. I agreed to pay more attention to my humming and tone it down and eliminate it when feasible while she was around. We seemed to have an accommodation and reconciliation, and I considered our discord ended.

Fast forward to the end of August. The choir has a pizza social before the first rehearsal of the fall semester. Anya is chattering incessantly about topic after topic. Someone takes the seat next to her. She notices something about her and asks the lady if she has been assaulted. The lady says no, she just fell.

Assault on her mind, Anya poses the question (was it meant to be rhetorical, I now wonder), what one should do if you are assaulted. Having been assaulted 10 times in the past 5 years at the time (11 times now), I commented that from my personal experience, summoning the police isn’t always the best thing to do (you have one example of my personal experience with police efficiency above). Anya wheels off to comment that one should go to the Mafia, though it has to be on the wedding day of the Mafia bosses daughter, and isn’t that unfair to him, couldn’t it be the next day when he has less going on.

Having my personal experience so summarily dismissed, I did not comment further. My thoughts were:

1. Her answer was exclusive and unfair to the Mexican Cartels. (I should know, having more experience with organized crime than she — now would anyone appreciate my humor on this one?)
2. What movie did she get THAT idea from?
3. My goodness, she is critiquing the mob and proposing changes to their social policies. Does she have any concept of their group dynamics to be doing that?
4. Every topic she is talking about she is criticizing someone.

I listened to her criticize one group after another for 30 minutes. I do not remember which point she got to that made me interject finally with my challenging question: Can you talk about any subject without being critical? I said it slowly, intentionally, and intentionally calm.

“Why can’t you stop humming before church services… Oh, the Ginger Menace is at it again.”

Being trained in rhetoric and logic I made a short, succinct reply: ” Personal insults and straw man arguments do not answer my question. Can you talk about any subject without being critical?” While intending to remain calm, by this point, having been shocked, but not surprised, by her rude response and personal attack, My heart rate had increased, and no doubt my face had reddened. But I was not offended and offered no counter insults, only sticking to the subject at hand.

She had no good reply and collapsed, face down, it took me some time to realize she was crying and hiding it. Whether the tears were real or artificial I have often wondered.

Not realizing she was crying, but knowing she was defeated, and knew she was, from the rhetorical standpoint, I changed my approach to an appeal for peace, and expressed compassion. I am not trying to hurt or attack you, but make you aware of how your words could be hurting others. Someone who has experienced those things might find your flippant statements hurtful or even damaging.

But she did not seem to be willing to communicate with me, only saying, was that “wrong also” when I shared another example, this time a positive one, which I had prefaced as a positive one.

One of the ladies a few seats down asked me if I could leave her alone. I said I could, but it was not my preference. Why was not my preference, I asked? Because though I hate conflict, and avoid it when possible, when conflict does arrive, if I have to go through conflict, I try to go THROUGH it to reach its one redeeming possibility, that the bringing out of the items that were causing discord can lead to moments of clarity and understanding, that this communication can lead to compassion and reconciliation. I was expressing compassion now and hoping to find reconciliation.

Another lady commented that she was a former administrator, and didn’t think I had the authority to act. I was stunned. I needed some authority, some approval, to try and be a peacemaker?

Others chimed in that I was disturbing their meal, and suggested I should go away. I was even more stunned, and disappointed, and left.

I went to find Jessica, but she was busy, so I left the building, walking towards home. while doing so I called and talked to Pastor Edd, trying to explain to him what happened and asked for help in resolving the situation, which meant coming to a reconciliation with Anya. He told me to go back and talk to Jessica when she became available.

Which is what I did. After I explained she asked me how I felt, and offered to let me go home. I expressed I would feel best if I could sing, and honestly, I couldn’t afford not to be paid for the rehearsal. She thought it might be best for others, and thus the group, if I gave everyone some space and went home. So I didn’t attend rehearsal, but waited in the car for the rehearsal to be done, since Jasini needed to attend rehearsal and we rode in the same vehicle (note: Previous times in my life when I have left to give others space, it hasn’t benefited me. This time proved to be no different.)

From Wednesday night to Sunday I prayed for Anya, for peace, for reconciliation, in compassion I sought insight to understand Anya better, as I hoped and knew the spiritual shepherds of us both wanted her to see beyond the Ginger Menace of her imagination to know the fellow brother in Christ who was part of His same body.

Jessica sent an e-mail late Saturday asking if i could meet with her and Pastor Edd on Sunday after service. I agreed. During Sunday’s service I partook of communion, not knowing that it would be the last communion I would partake of for the foreseeable future, unaware of the barrier soon to be placed between me and Anya, and thus between me and the congregation at Gloria Dei Lutheran Church.

After service I waited quite awhile for Pastor Edd and Jessica to indicate it was time to start our meeting. I tried to stay close to Jessica to be ready for the signal, while Jessica seemed not to acknowledge my presence. Then she signaled me to come, and I followed Paster Edd to his office, Jessica behind me, and Jasini a ways behind Jessica but closing the gap until she was directly behind Jessica when Jessica passed through the hallway door to Pastor Edd’s office and abruptly closed the door in Jasini’s face.

I didn’t see the door closing to know what happened to Jasini, but as we sat down I mentioned that Jasini was intending to be in the meeting with us. Jessica said she thought it was best that the meeting be just the three of us (Pastor Edd later said he would have had no problem with Jasini being there, and was as unaware as I was of the rude and defiant action Jessica had taken against Jasini. Note: Pastor Edd never described the door closing as rude or defiant, those are my words.)

I then learned why Jessica felt it should be just the three of us. Unlike what I had requested, and expected to be the topic of the meeting, this was not a meeting focused on reconciling a brother and sister in Christ, but a bureaucratic human resources proceeding disciplining an employee. Jessica declared that a leader in the church cannot lash out against someone in the church as she said I did. Apparently she and Pastor Edd had interviewed a couple of other people there, and they had described me as angry, they had not heard the Ginger Menace insult, nor had they heard my attempts to create an epiphany of compassion and understanding between me and Anya. (No one had bothered to ask Jasini what she had seen or heard.)

I kept my voice calm and level. The unreality of the moment brought a clarity to me, and after my restatement of how I had been attacked and insulted, and had not responded in kind, which evoked the comment from Pastor Edd that it would be unlike Anya to say such things or be so critical, I ceased my attempts to state the truths I knew about both that and the motives for my own actions. Jessica’s responses were laced with comments about my anger and needing to stop my vendetta. I was told my contract with the church for employment was being canceled from their side. Further discussion indicated that not only would I not be leading the tenor section, but I would not be singing in the choir. Pastor Edd indicated this did not mean a permanent ban on my singing, but that when I could return was up to Jessica, who would judge the mood of the other choir members who at present might be uncomfortable with my presence. I agreed to check with her no more than once a year if I could come back, if she had not already told me the ban was lifted.

Now someone may legitimately evaluate another person’s actions to say what they are, but to tell a person what their emotional state actually was is ludicrous, but I was decreed by them both to have been angry, which I had not been angry, nor was angry now.

The loss of my only income was a serious blow to me, yet I put that aside for the more important issue of reconciliation. I tried to focus them both, completely unsuccessfully with Jessica, on the need for me to meet with Anya. Either she has something against me, or I have something against her, and either way, it must not stay that way. If I have truly offended Anya, I want to meet with her to hear from her what I had done, so I could truly understand, since I did not understand how I had offended. But I deeply desired to understand, so I could truly feel the remorse I did not then feel, and thus be a suppliant to her, to repent, ask for, and hopefully receive her forgiveness. Because of the way they were both portraying the scene, I told them I knew I could not approach her one on one without giving the impression of harassing her, and thus I needed assistance in doing this needful thing. Pastor Edd said he could talk to her, but if she didn’t want to talk, there was nothing that could be done. He promised to follow up, but nothing ever came from it, though I did check back with him twice, deciding not to push it any further than that.

It was at that time that I recalled a conversation from years before, with a friend at North Baptist Church in Corning, NY. It had two main points that applied to my situation. One must not take communion in an unworthy manner. Also scripture says to leave your offering at the altar and resolve a disagreement with a brother before presenting said offering to the Lord. The combination of these had made my brother in Corning refrain from communion a few times in his life until he had resolved situations similar to mine. The act was a reminder to him to make haste to resolve the situation, and not be slothful in healing these wounds. I decided at this point I needed to do the same thing. Refraining from communion has continued to remind me that this strife is causing pain to me, yes, but more importantly to Christ, and I must do all my mind, body and soul can to reconcile.

The first thing I learned after the meeting was why Jasini had not joined us, and how hurt she was. Anya had cried, allegedly because of my actions. Jasini withdrew to a private place so no one would see her tears (she did not intend to let her tears twist someone to do what she wanted. If they did agree with her, she wanted it to be of a clear mind, not drama and pity) and her tears were caused by Jessica’s action.

I sent an e-mail to Jessica immediately. I THANKED Jessica for what she had done in the meeting. I expressed no anger or disagreement. I then let her know that Jasini was hurting deeply because she had closed the door in her face, and advised that what was needed now, as soon as possible, was for Jessica to contact her and apologize. No admission of guilt needed, just a simple, I am sorry, would have closed door on the episode of her closing the door on Jasini.

But Jessica did not contact her. Jasini found it impossible to continue in choir, looking at the choir director who admitted to her, in the one conversation they had at the next, and Jasini’s last, choir rehearsal, that she had shut the door intentionally in Jasini’s face. She had shut it intentionally, and that it was in her face was also intentional.

Being focused on so many things, it took me awhile to recognize the reason for Jasini’s deep emotional hurt, why the door in the face was impossible to just dismiss. I went back to my professional field of Communications (Master’s) and contemplated what shutting the door in someone’s face does to them. Metaphorically and Emotionally it hits the psyche with the force of excommunication. Jasini had been emotionally cut off and isolated by Jessica’s actions. she waited awhile and then sent an e-mail to Jessica telling her she was hurt, asking to know what she had done to make Jessica so mad, mad enough to deserve this. But Jessica kept silence and seemed to actively avoid Jasini. In asking Pastor Edd for assistance, he opined that he thought Jessica was just giving Jasini space.

Does anyone reading this see, before I explain it, why this is precisely the opposite of what should be done, and why it only acerbates the issue? When you excommunicate someone, you cut off communication. You give them all the space in the world but the space next to you, the ability to talk to you. If you are trying to help someone feel better, giving them space in this case, is just another act of excommunication and makes the situation worse.

Excommunication, and in this situation giving Jasini space, is an act of denying she is a person. I counseled Jessica to reach out, Jasini begged Jessica to talk to her, for Jessica to explain to Jasini Jessica’s anger, but Jessica denied Jasini’s personhood and in her arrogance kept silent.

Besides the excommunication itself, one other thing truly hurt Jasini at this time. She confessed to me after quitting her job that she hadn’t realized how much she had been looking forward to doing solos, and Jessica’s actions had robbed her of this great joy to share her music with the church.

After two months I broke my silence, because Jasini waited long enough for Jessica to treat her as a person, and had finally given up on getting any response from Jessica; Jasini resigned herself to being invisible once more, the once more recalling the invisibility forced on her previously by Avondale United Methodist Church.

I broke my silence by sending Jessica the following e-mail:

Jessica, 

It has been over a month since you shut the door in Jasini’s face. Before the sun set on your action you were informed how hurt she was and given the best advice possible to contact her and apologize, to not let it build. Every signal possible from her end said that same thing, “come let us reason together,” a request for healing and reconciliation.

Your response has been to avoid her or possibly “give her space,” as if you arrogantly knew better than her what she needed.

Shutting the door in someone’s face is emotionally and metaphorically equivalent to excommunicating them. If the initial act wasn’t that heinous, your following actions have been. You followed an act of excommunication with no communication. 

You fired someone for “lashing out” and said they were no longer qualified to serve in leadership.  What you did and are doing to Jasini is much worse.  Why have you not resigned as choir director?  If you truly believed what you said in that firing, integrity dictates that you resign. To not resign means you don’t believe such standards apply to you, and that you act out of selfish gain. 

Personally I think the logic is suspect, that in both situations the true quest should be for reconciliation (what I was attempting to pursue with Anya before it was blocked and my motives impuned), but reconciliation does not seem to be a priority with you. I hope at least showing integrity is, and that you offer your resignation.

Jasini and I deserve to know how you respond to this, and to not have to wait indefinitely for you to respond (since you don’t). So I am going to request that you let us know your intentions by 9 a.m. Wednesday, October 18, 2023. If we do not hear from you we will know that your answer is no and that you intend to continue your crusade of selfishness.

May God grant you His wisdom in  this difficult time.

Please note, I did not want Jessica’s resignation; I admire her skills as a choir director, and think she was doing great things for the choir and the church. What I wanted, still want, is reconciliation between her and Jasini. What I wanted, and still want, is reconciliation between me and Anya. But now, in Jessica’s case, it will be hard for either of us to feel confident that any move of hers for reconciliation is genuine unless she resigns. I would like to say we could take her at her word, but honesty compels me to say that unless she resigns now, any move for reconciliation on her part now would leave us with the nagging question if she is just going through the motions for self-gain, to save her position.

The surreal circumstances following the loss of my full-time job in March 2020, and now the surreal circumstances here at Gloria Dei, have left me with a strange block in my head. It shouldn’t be hard to go looking for a new job, but since weird lightning has stuck in these two instances, and others I have not mentioned here, I find myself paranoid that any job I get will result in the same thing.

Losing the choir position has caused, and will continue to cause me pain. I asked for prayer in service in early August because I expected to need to have 11 teeth pulled in the coming months. Being on Medicaid, they will not cover the dental partials I need to replace those teeth. I need $1,000 — $500 each for the upper and lower plates, and can do them one at a time. $325 for the first plate will be coming from the last of my funds in an HSA. The other $175 I expected to have by October from my work with the choir. No job, no income, means I have had to postpone my dental work Instead of having the teeth pulled on a schedule, I am going to wait until they break and have to be pulled, knowing I have nothing to replace them with. During the past month 4 of those teeth have started aching on and off. But the pain of the Ginger Menace is of no concern to Jessica or Anya, because I am not really a person to them.

I talked to the men’s Wednesday coffee klatch the last Wednesday of November, trying to get help or advice on what to do, on anything I may do, to get help in this situation. The conclusion is that there is no one who can hold the music director, an employee of the church, responsible for her action of excommunicating a choir member from the church. Unless this changes, unless it is possible to hold Jessica responsible for her actions, I can no longer attend Gloria Dei. Thus I announced I will not be back to the church until something is able to be done. My act of not taking communion unworthily, has evolved, due to the inaction of Gloria Dei, into my no longer being in communion with the church. Only the church can take the action necessary to restore this communion.

Thus I both move on, and await the church’s action.

I experience physical pain, and will continue to experience more physical pain, because Anya saw me as the Ginger Menace, and continues to see me the same instead of seeing me as a person. I see her as a person, and as such I will not try to abrogate her free will to alleviate my physical pain. I could be wrong, but I believe she is oblivious, and being shielded and kept that way, to the consequences of her actions.

As Jasini noted to me, Anya is a girl, but in different eras she would have been a woman. She can’t act older because she doesn’t know how. But with different education, different expectations, she would have been a very competent woman by now. Anya isn’t doing this because she isn’t smart; she is very smart. She should be a woman, but she isn’t. Jasini is very concerned for her, because someone who sees her as a woman, and doesn’t recognize how she has been kept a girl, could hurt her, possibly very badly, and she won’t have any idea why. And without knowing why, she won’t have the tools to recover from it. (She doesn’t have the coping skills like those seen in “Baby its Cold Outside” from Neptune’s Daughter.) And that would be a great loss.

Though with a scornful wonder

the world sees us oppressed,

by schisms rent asunder,

by heresies distressed,

yet saints their watch are keeping;

their cry goes up “how long?”

But soon the night of weeping

shall be the morn of song.

The Church’s One Foundation, Samuel J Stone